Don't ask me where Wednesday is...

oh shit, its soul baring time.

So yeah, before I begin I guess there should be some sort of disclaimer, but basically most will see this as a possible pity party, but i’m not so sure it is considering this has consistently been happening in my life for years now.

Anywho, so I have this theory, and this will sound like a very emo phrase, but I almost feel like I was born broken. I never really felt real love from my family, at times I catch glimpses of possibilities of love, but it never outweighs the other shit that just makes it more concrete that they don’t really care and love as much as family should. I almost feel like they gave up on me. Especially my dad. But yeah this isn’t really the point, which I am getting to, trust me.

Basically, going back to the being broken business, because I’ve never felt truly loved by the fam has really effected me when it comes to relationships. Most of the time when my relationships end, its usually because of me. The fact that there is something wrong with me. I’ve only had 2 relationships that made it longer than a month, all the others were very short term. I never understood why, but the one common factor being moi has me thinking what I always think “What’s wrong with me?”

My last relationship is whats got me dwelling on all this, we got together, broke up horribly, got together again, and then broke up again, but we are still friends now, and I can honestly say we are better off. The thing that gets me though is that the first time round, we were really happy together, I never fully had that before, most the time I’d be treated like shit, or there was distance. But with my ex the first time round, it was damn near perfect to me. Now the second time round was different, I felt like I couldn’t really trust her, she felt she had a lot to prove to me, and with everything going on neither of us were happy with the relationship. Thus why we are better off as friends. I admit I do still love her, but I know its better for both of us to not romantically involved. Its just gonna take me a minute to get completely over it.

Now moving on in this, considering my trust issues and the want/need to feel loved/needed/whatever it may be seems to be a repeating factor in my relationships failing, and after experiencing actual happiness in a relationship only to have it disappear due to a slump i guess you would say, has me terrified that I’ll never be able to feel that way again. I’m almost 25, I keep seeing those happy couples, and I’m bitter and I’m jealous I admit that, its not fair that I’ve only got to experience a glimpse of that for a brief period of time. When is it gonna be my turn to be happy? My biggest fear is to die alone, but I really hope the Universe and whatever higher forces may exist don’t make me go through that fear.

I may have been born broken, but I am tired of living broken, and I really do not want to die broken.

crap

i have a lot i need to get out, but i’m not sure if i really want to bare my soul just because most people have a pre-conceived notion of me and i don’t want to let them down.